From Russia With Love
by Dogs Bower
Summary: Linka must use her powers of wit and bust size to save the day from evil.


**From Russia With Love**

It was a beautiful morning. The air was warm and the sun was shining and the trees were flowing in the wind and little birds and woodland creatures were up and about making their noises. Then suddenly, EXPLOSIONS.

It was the evil sick disgusting wretched and vile eco-villains Hoggish Greedly and Looten Plunder and Dr. Blight working together in a nefarious scheme to blow up a thousand year old tree farm for lumber or something. For shame. But when evil is afoot in the earth, the Planeteers are sure to soon follow in order to put a stop to it. And there they were shortly after the tnt was going off, come flying in in their Geo Cruiser. Hurrah.

Gi stepped out because she's always the first one to do things and yelled "Stop right there, you fiends!"

Hoggish Greedly turned his big fat head around and gasped. "Oh no, the Planet Pukes are here to try and stop us from making profits off the land!"

"Why can't we ever manage to file restraining orders on or just plain kill these five teenagers? I mean it's not like it would be that hard. Why are we so dumb?" muttered Looten Plunder into his mug of seventy five dollar imported Bulgarian coffee.

"These kinds of pussy Liberal shows don't allow that kind of violence," responded Dr. Blight as she bent over so everyone could get a good view of her delicious spandex hugged ass. "Look at my boobies."

"What about that one gang wars episode? That had guns and people got shot even. I think," said the Garbage man whose name is SLY SLUDGE. Because he was there pretending to be with them even though they all hated him and wanted nothing to do with him because he's the most retarded villain on the whole show.

"Go away you sweaty rotted meat stinking faggot," said Looten Plunder and hit this button on one of the big tree chewing lumber trucks he was standing near and a crane came out and smashed the fat ugly little man.

"SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, THERE'S STILL HAS TO BE RULE 34 OF MEEEEEE," screamed Sly Sludge the Garbage man before he was hurled away into oblivion. He shall be missed. Well not really. But he's probably right about the Rule 34. If there's Rule 34 of Skumm, there's shit of him too. God, so many sicks fucks out there. Who gets off on that, honestly? Never mind. I've answered my own question just reading things on this very website.

"Hey, pay attention to us!" screamed little Ma-Ti. But nobody was listening to him and he ran away crying because he was so useless and weak and twelve or something and he'd never seen porn yet because his mother won't let him use the internet without a Net Nanny thing on. Loser.

"OOK OOK," said that ugly monkey. Then he accidentally fell into a random wood chipper for no reason other that I hate him. His guts sprayed onto Linka who yelled because her outfit was all dirty now.

"DAS VIDANYA! MY CLOTHING!" Linka yelled.

"Oh no, Linka. Your outfit is all ruined and dirty with disgusting monkey guts and blood!" cried Wheeler. "Looks like you're going to have to take them off and go take a shower."

"Yes. I think I'm going to do that," replied Linka and she threw off her nasty clothes and jumped into the lake nearby. Wheeler was going to help the other Planeteers fight the eco-villains but then he decided it would be more fun to go watch Linka. So he did.

"Okay now we can win," said Looten Plunder because now there was only two Planeteers and three of them.

"No! We're going to beat you up, you evil people," said Gi while shaking her tiny Asian fist at them.

"I am the token black character," cried Kwame. "I'm going to die first, just watch," he muttered sadly.

"Water!" yelled Gi.

"Earth!" yelled Kwame.

Then they combined their powers to make a big huge mud puddle that sank all the trucks and got them all stuck. The eco-villains were shocked and pissed off because they really had not expected that to work out for the stupid Planeteers.

"Our million dollar logging equipment!" screamed Looten Plunder throwing a tantrum.

"Don't just stand there, you bitches. Kill them or something!" shouted Hoggish Greedly stuffing his face with key lime pies.

"You'd think with all our money we'd be able to hire some bodyguards that weren't retards and like more than one. Like fifty or something. Or at least one of us would have ties to the Mafia," grumbled Dr. Blight as she tried charging her death ray console which she just happened to brought with her that day so it was a good thing.

"I am ready for your commands, Doctor," said MAL in his sexy Tim Curry voice.

"Fire!" screamed Dr. Blight as she hit her fist down onto the big red button that said "KILL THE PLANETEERS".

And the death ray shot out and blew up the ground in front of Gi and Kwame and they flew and hit the ground and were badly injured and near death. OH NO!

"Oh no, we're gonna die!" cried Gi thrashing around in the mud.

"I already said that you stupid slant eyed bitch, doesn't anyone ever listen to me!" screamed Kwame. And then a rock fell and crushed his head.

"Nooooo!" cried Gi. Then she died sinking into and asphyxiating in the mud puddle which she had helped create to save the earth. How ironic.

BUT WAIT

Wheeler and Linka stopped their acrobatic water sports fucking for five minutes and went to go help their friends. Which was odd, because they were already dead but at least they tried this time.

"We'll kill you for killing our friends, you murdering murderers!" yelled Wheeler and he shot fire balls at all the guys there who were bad and they ran and shit exploded around them because it was flammable.

"Wind!" yelled Linka as her naked boobies bounced around as she moved because she was still naked and everyone was watching because a crowd of bystanders had gathered from all the cool explosions and weird shit happening. She summoned a huge tornado that blew the eco-villains away into the trees and they got hurt and Looten Plunder lost his wallet somewhere and he was pissed because it was rare Indian crocodile skin.

"We must call Captain Planet!" shouted Linka to Wheeler who was trying to beat in Hoggish Greedly's head but it was so full of fat that he couldn't really do any damage because it just squished around his fists.

"Ha ha ha, you stupid kids," yelled Hoggish and he punched Wheeler with his ham fist and Wheeler went flying fifteen feet away because it was like being punched with a leather bag filled with meat shavings and cottage cheese. It looks like it wouldn't hurt but it secretly does.

"AAAAAAARG," screamed Wheeler and he fell down. "No! We're losing the battle here!"

"NYET!" screamed Linka and she went to the bodies of her dead friends and took their rings and put them on. "Wheeler, give me your ring!"

"Are we getting married? Because I don't think I can do commitment, regardless of what all the ten thousand fucking mirror fanfics here always have me depicted as doing. I would mostly have too many underlying issues to cope with a successful relationship and also I'd probably either get drunk and beat you or just cheat on you a lot," said Wheeler.

"SHUT UP AND GIVE ME YOUR PLANET RING, YOU STUPID YANKEE FUCK," yelled Linka.

"Oh, okay," said Wheeler and he took off his precious fire ring and gave it to his now ex-girlfriend. Who wasn't really his girlfriend in the first place to begin with.

Then Linka put all the rings together on her slim and beautiful hand and she was about to use the awesome unleashed power to do something cool when she realized she was missing the stupid Heart ring.

"Oh no! Ma-Ti! I need his ring," gasped Linka. She looked around but didn't see him anywhere because he had probably run off like a crybaby again. "Damn it Ma-Ti, where are you?" she cried.

"Ha ha, now you all die!" yelled Dr. Blight. But then she had to wait until her death ray console recharged which took exactly ten minutes.

So Linka excused herself and went to the nearest Internet Cafe where she found Ma-Ti in the back with some pimple faced nerds playing WOW and they were also secretly playing SecondLife with naked in game models and flying attack penises and laughing because people were screaming at them to stop and trying to ban them from the servers but they had hacked in and had admin powers and they were Vent Harassing all the WOW people who were trying to have a funeral for Gi because they found out she died. Even though she didn't die while playing WOW because she was too fucked up to eat or drink or go to sleep for fifty days straight and her heart gave out like all those other people did.

"Ma-Ti, you retarded little shit, give me your Heart ring!" Linka yelled at him.

"OH MY GOD, A NAKED GIRL," screamed all the fat little nerds and they ran away screaming while hyperventilating and one of them started puking and passed out on the floor because he had mental problems and that set him off.

"Fuck you, Linka! Why do you need my ring?" said Ma-Ti as he prepared to cast Level 45 Omnipotence onto his party. "I'm busy anyway so just go away."

Linka got mad. "Because if you don't, the entire world will die and every one of us will too because the eco-villains are killing us. And also, if you don't I'm going to cancel your WOW account!"

"OH MY GOD NO, STOP!" Ma-Ti screamed like a brat and stomped his feet and took the remote and shoved it up his butt. "LEAVE MY WOW ACCOUNT ALONE, DON'T YOU TOUCH MY WOW ACCOUNT ITS ALL I HAVE IN LIFE FUCK YOU!"

And he gave Linka the ring and Linka ran all the way back to where she had come from and put the last ring on her finger and shouted "HENSHIN A GO GO BABY!" and lights flashed and thunder cracked and she transformed like Sailor fucking Moon which took like seven minutes but nobody cared because it was AWESOME.

She became:

Well, to see what she became you must wait for part 2. ;)

**To Be Continued!**


End file.
